he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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