her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
