Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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