I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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