Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
and you fell through a lawn chair
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
