haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Randomize
