i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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