He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
