you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
