The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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