I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
