Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
True but thats because hes a fetus.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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