I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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