I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
only you would photoshop your dick
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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