We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
