a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
