Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
he thought i was a dude.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
