Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
