all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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