She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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