if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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