he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
