worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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