I wanna bring you to show and tell
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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