who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
