Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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