Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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