His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
