areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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