maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
