I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Are we in a gay sports bar?
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
