I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
