doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
