I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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