tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
