So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
