I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
