Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
