if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
