Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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