you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
