After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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