worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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