SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
