Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
thus making me awesome and them whores
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
