Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
she peed on how many people?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
