Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
