I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize
