OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
