how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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